I never used to believe in epiphanies. In truth, I’ve never been much of a believer in anything. Sure, at times of severe stress when I need solace I have felt the comforting spiritual hand on my shoulder of my dad, or more often my grandma, but who is to say that this is real rather than something I’ve dreamt up to ease my burden. Like many, I do believe deep down that there is some sort of spiritual force out there to guide and support, but this could just be something I have trained myself to think, given that “faith” is the ultimate “no lose gamble”. But epiphanies? They only happen to others, usually those easily dismissed as “attention-seeking” and “overly exuberant”, and they are to be treated with the deepest of suspicion. Then, out of the blue, it happened to me. Boy, did it happen. A short and very sharp epiphanic explosion that rocked my world to its core. Then almost as quickly as it came, it went.
Was it an epiphany? Was it yearning for something different? Infatuation? A cry for help? A shackled ego suddenly released? Or was it a breakdown? A mid-life crisis? Me being a victim of a cult? And whatever it was, where the hell has it gone? Because for a couple of years the world was a different place and I was very certainly a different force within it. Full of a new zest for life with a searing positivity that was infectious. Making a deep difference to those around me, and almost universally in a good way. Still discussed in lyrical tones by those who worked for and with me. Something had certainly changed.
As did my musical tastes. Gone from my mental playlist was my chart topping favourite track Zombie by The Cranberries, that had dominated my “top 5” psyche for years. Replaced naturally, to my new mind, and imperiously by The Stone Roses’ I Am the Resurrection. Didn’t think much about the nuance and irony of that at the time. It was just the music. From downbeat to uplifting. Music as a triumph of positivity not encouraging and waiting for disaster. Reflected my new mindset. But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to look beyond the sounds.
Music has always been the most acid of tests for me. It is magical without knowing it, and it takes you places beyond yourself. From the alcoholic Blur of my late teens through to the glorious Oasis of my early to mid twenties, music has in part defined me. So how did I get to be so spiritually comatose at such an early age, so poetically defined by Zombie being my favourite tune?
The epiphany itself was wondrous, all consuming and life changing. It was all blinding lights and flashes to the mind, with repercussions that were felt through the body to the heart, and even deeper into the soul, and even though it was through far too quickly, it left in its midst a long and glorious lingering afterglow. Actually explaining what it really was is harder. And that will deserve more analysis and focus in time. Suffice to say I instantly knew myself, was able to dredge up and fully understand long buried thoughts, fears and beliefs, with the result that in almost all aspects of my inner being I was able to forgive myself, understand myself and my impact on others, and become a better person, determined to use my new knowledge and invigorated and enhanced spirit to help others and the world in general. Quite a ten minutes I tell you.
Losing it was tragic. In the wise words of James – “if I hadn’t seen such riches I could live with being poor. Oh sit down.” Ok so forget the last 3 words but you get what I mean. If self flagellation was an Olympic sport I’d have multiple medals since, as it’s gone on so long played over again and again in my tortured mind. Imagine being the effing idiot that is lucky enough to get the golden ticket of an epiphany, use it for a bit with devastatingly positive consequences, and then go “nah, you’re alright. I’ll leave it alone now.” Well that’s me.
So what of the “new hope”? So far everything in this tale of lost treasure happened a good 8 to 10 years ago, longer if you include the musical references. Well, the new news in town is that Mr Eph is back. Older, wiser, perhaps without the flashing lights and big bangs, but this time with rainbows and full moons and with a steely determination that this time it will not be so easily marginalised and cast adrift. Because life is there for the living, even for the taking, but also for the giving, and I’m backing myself to do all three.
To bring it full circle with the music, the Resurrection is back and I Am it. Time to grab everything all at once, and do the things that should have been done long ago. Watch out world and watch this space.:.
strangefishbigpond 